Working in a combo bar/coffee shop is....interesting to say the least. Most people are confused by us. "So you're a coffee shop..." they start, their voices trailing off in confusion. "That also sells beer, wine and liquor. Yup." I usually finish the thought for them.
Since I've had experience serving coffee before, I'm saddled with the delightful shifts of opening every Saturday and Sunday morning. Even though the hours are early and they usually keep me from going out with my friends who have "normal" jobs, I actually really love the job. I'm not sure if it's the relaxed dress code of "Oh...I don't know. Some pants and a dark shirt." or the spunky girl that I work with. And apparently I'm the only person that can work with her. I think it's because we're the only two "morning people" that work there. But this entry is less about the awesomeness of my coworker and more about the psycho's that come in to see us.
Like any restaurant/cafe/bar/coffee shop/hipster hangout, we have our regulars. I often wonder if these people have real jobs or if they just sit around and grow organic vegetables and wonder why more people don't wear more burlap. "Once you get past the itchyness, it's really not that bad." I seriously heard that a month ago. All of our regulars can be categorized into three categories: 1) Old hippies that think they're cool because they came to use our free WiFi 2) Hipsters that want to complain about the music we play and won't order anything but will surely smoke pot behind the building and play the vintage Mrs. Pacman machine we have in the corner and 3) Crunchy vegans that will buy all of our vegan pastries and talk about being vegan all the time. What's one thing they all have in common? What could possibly bring this hodge podge of people together? They all LOVE to be overly specific with their drink orders. Here's a sampling of the orders I get twice a week, every week, without fail...
"I want a frosted pint glass, filled with ice and hot coffee poured over it." (By the way, we have iced coffee that's already cold...I'm just saying.)
"I want a coffee with 3/4 of a pump of chocolate."
"Small coffee to go and a small coffee in a RED mug." (We have about 6 different colors...they're all the same size and shape.)
"Large coffee with four pumps of hazelnut, two vanilla, three sugar free vanilla and 1/2 pump of almond."
"Americano with about 2 oz of water."
"Will you just steam some soy milk?" (This one's not weird unless you see the girl. She doesn't drink it, she spends the morning smelling it. I can't make this up.)
"One part coffee, one part Bailey's, three parts Whiskey." (I'm still not sure how we get around serving liquor at 8 AM.)
"Half dark roast, half light roast, simple syrup and pass me the soy milk. You never put enough in."
These people, they're nuts. I firmly believe that they think the more complicated their drink order is, the more sophisticated they are when in fact, it's only bringing them closer to death because I seriously want to jab their eyes out.
But my ALL TIME favorite orders are ones that don't involve coffee at all. Before I get into this, I need to give you a little insight. I don't drink beer. I will if I have to but generally I'll avoid it when I can. The girl I work with is "allergic" to alcohol so she doesn't drink ever. I can tell you what any alcohol tastes like and can even make most cocktails but if you have a beer question...well, it's better if I show you.
Customer: What kind of pale ales do you have?
Me: *blank stare*
C: *Expectant look*
Me: Um....I think Dos Equis is a pale ale....This...this one says pale ale. Do you want this one?
C: Um. No. What else do you have?
Me: Dos.....Equis?? Is...is that a pale ale?
C: Can I just have the Bass on draft?
Me: Surrreee...*walks over to the tap wall and stares at it blankly*
Clearly I have no business working in a bar. Coffee shop? Sure. Me working in a bar is the equivalence of me owning a sports team. I have no idea what I'm doing and would rather make the cheerleaders drag queens, change the mascot to an Abercombie & Fitch model and change the colors to something that complimented my eyes. As I end this blog post, I'll leave you with two more situations: another overly complicated drink and a time when someone asked me about beer. Keep in mind, we open at 7:00 AM.
Time: 7:05 AM
Me: Good morning, good morning! How we doing today? (typical greeting from me.)
Customer: Nothing's good. It's not morning. I'm still asleep.
Me: Um...okay. Maybe you should go home and go back to bed.
C: Are you kicking me out?
Me: No! Of course not! I'm just saying, if you're sleep walking, maybe you should go back to bed.
C: That's just an expression. No one is ever awake until after coffee.
Me: Oh. I didn't know that.
C: *looking around for the girl I work with who's smoking out back* Can I get someone else to make me coffee? This kid's an idiot.
Me: Sorry, just me today. What can I get you?
C: Cubano Americano. Large. For here. Three Splenda's and a splash of soy.
Me: Alright...
*the girl I work with walks in as I'm pulling the espresso shots*
C: YOU LIED! *storms out*
Girl: What did you lie about?
Me: Existing.
Time: 9:18 AM
Customer: What Belgian beers do you have?
Me: *turns and faces the refrigerator for about 3 minutes. Pulls a random beer out.* Thinking "This one came off the shelf that says Belgium." Is this what you want?
C: Shiner Ruby Red? N-no....I want a Belgian beer.
Me: *blank stare* Soooooo.....not....this......one?
C: I'll have a coke.
August 31, 2011
August 21, 2011
It happens
Sometimes, I weep. I'll just be sitting there watching TV or reading a book or writing in my journal and my emotions overwhelm me. And I weep. Not loudly, not really even noticeably but I do. Sometimes I weep without tears. Sometimes I weep without reason. And every time I do, I breathe calmly and allow it to wash over me. My emotions are extreme; they always have been. I go from literally jumping up and down with happiness and then I'll hop in the shower to wash the day's sweat off (because it's in the triple digits here in Texas and every day is a new layer of sweat) and I'll find myself pressed against the wall, hands on my knees, water smacking the back of my neck and tears just streaming down my face. I feel overwhelmed. Money overwhelms me. The dogs we keep overwhelm me. My family overwhelms me. And I weep for them. I weep for the animals that have to be euthanized because no one will take them home. I weep for the children that go to bed hungry. I weep for my mother who still supports her sons even though we should be standing on our own feet.
I weep.
I weep out of terror.
I weep out of joy.
I weep out of love.
I weep out of longing.
Sometimes, I weep. But I always.....ALWAYS, collect myself, wipe my face and smile in the mirror. Crying is one of those strange events in life that seems tumultuous and never-ending and strange but afterwards, people feel cleansed and renewed. It's the hurricane of emotions. Our emotional winds blow and the rains fall and afterwards, our worlds are quiet and we begin again.
I weep.
I weep out of terror.
I weep out of joy.
I weep out of love.
I weep out of longing.
Sometimes, I weep. But I always.....ALWAYS, collect myself, wipe my face and smile in the mirror. Crying is one of those strange events in life that seems tumultuous and never-ending and strange but afterwards, people feel cleansed and renewed. It's the hurricane of emotions. Our emotional winds blow and the rains fall and afterwards, our worlds are quiet and we begin again.
August 20, 2011
Let's just be honest
Look, here's the deal, if you're pissed at me. You need to freaking tell me. I hate people that play games and act passively aggressively towards me when they're mad or frustrated. Now, I'll admit that I, on occasion, will act passive aggressively HOWEVER, it's usually a reaction to situations that are just not worth hashing out.
But if you're legitimately mad at me, you need to tell me. HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE MAD?! Don't give me the, "If you can't tell by the way I'm acting, then I don't even know what to say..." How about telling me why you're mad at me?!
I'm so frustrated with the world sometimes. Why play games? What does it accomplish? Who does it help? How can situations be fixed if people don't discuss it?
Isn't this also the first step towards world peace? Okay, that's extreme. But seriously, peace is a chain reaction. If there's peace in your home, there's peace in your workplace. Then there's peace with strangers. And peace with people in other cities. And peace with other states. And peace with other nations. See what I'm saying? World peace starts at home and grows from there.
I have the best relationship with S because we calmly talk about EVERYTHING! No matter how small or large. Well, okay, sometimes I won't bring up the little things with her but again, that's usually because it's not worth hashing out. But when there's a real problem, we sit each other down calmly, like adults and always begin and end with, "I love you more than anything." It's a great system. I just wish others would be comfortable with this same system. They don't have to say that they love each other but calmly discussing the issue at hand is always a great solution and works 99.9% of the time. I just don't get how others don't see that...
But if you're legitimately mad at me, you need to tell me. HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE MAD?! Don't give me the, "If you can't tell by the way I'm acting, then I don't even know what to say..." How about telling me why you're mad at me?!
I'm so frustrated with the world sometimes. Why play games? What does it accomplish? Who does it help? How can situations be fixed if people don't discuss it?
Isn't this also the first step towards world peace? Okay, that's extreme. But seriously, peace is a chain reaction. If there's peace in your home, there's peace in your workplace. Then there's peace with strangers. And peace with people in other cities. And peace with other states. And peace with other nations. See what I'm saying? World peace starts at home and grows from there.
I have the best relationship with S because we calmly talk about EVERYTHING! No matter how small or large. Well, okay, sometimes I won't bring up the little things with her but again, that's usually because it's not worth hashing out. But when there's a real problem, we sit each other down calmly, like adults and always begin and end with, "I love you more than anything." It's a great system. I just wish others would be comfortable with this same system. They don't have to say that they love each other but calmly discussing the issue at hand is always a great solution and works 99.9% of the time. I just don't get how others don't see that...
August 14, 2011
My High School Crush
Well, it's about time I blogged about this and I'm PRAYING that he never reads this but here goes...
In high school, I met a guy named J. He was a friend of a friend and honestly the sweetest guy I had ever met (not to mention easy on the eyes.) We only hung out a few times but every time I had a blast. He was funny and interesting and just an all around sweet guy. J and I were not really "friends" we were more acquaintances. I mean, he was the straight guy with a pretty serious girlfriend and I was the silly gay boy with weird fashion and even weirder hair. We went to different high schools and our circles rarely crossed over BUT like I said, he was a nice guy so I never complained when he was invited. ANYWAY, so one day, being the ridiculous high school boy I was, I mentioned to a few of my girlfriends, "J is so hot, I just want to rub him all over my body." I know, it's the silliest thing I could have ever said but there it is. A few weeks later, I found out that one of those girlfriends TOLD J what I had said. I was mortified. I didn't want to face him ever again. I never objected to him being invited after he found out I said that because I didn't want to be rude. But every time I saw his face, I'd blush bright red and avoid eye contact. I was so embarrassed and I was sure he thought I was the biggest freak of them all. I mean, honestly, who says that?
So life went on and all of us went our separate ways to college. A year later, we got back together for a friend's birthday. It just so happened that this friend and J had remained friends at college and since they're birthdays are pretty close together, they threw a joint party and I was invited. Great. How can I go to this party, face J, not blush and not get so drunk that I spill everything about how I feel to him. I still had a crush on him and I was certain that he hadn't forgotten what I had said a year later. Well, the party went off without a hitch and thankfully there was someone else there that caused a bigger scene than I ever could so I just stayed in the corner, got drunk and tried not to say something silly.
Now, this seems strange but flash forward five years. The same friend of mine that celebrated her birthday with J invites a bunch of us out for drinks before she goes off to her second year in college. I walked in and who do I see sitting next to her? J....of course. I nearly turned on my heels and ran out of there. All of my embarrassed feeling came flooding back. I was certain he remembered what I said and even more certain that he thought I was the strangest person alive for saying it, not to mention uncomfortable. Rarely do you come across a straight guy in Texas that is okay with being hit on by a gay guy like that. But I stayed because it was important to my friend going to law school. Everyone was talking and drinking and J was sitting on the other end of the table from me. I glanced over and noticed that he was wearing the same shirt I had only in a different color so in attempt to make polite small talk, I mentioned it to him. We slowly started talking and I noticed a certain....flair about him. I texted my roommate S, who actually went to high school with all of these people, "Do you think J is gay? Find out and tell me." So she goes out for a cigarette and takes J with her. By the time they get back, everyone was kind of ready to leave. I invited everyone over to my apartment to hang out and catch up but most people had other things they needed to do. J and one other person were the only two that were cool with coming over. So, we went to my apartment.
In the car, I pressed S for information. Come to find out, J IS GAY! My mind exploded. This straight guy I had a crush on for so long turns out to be gay. I wanted to cry. It was incredible news but also mind blowing because I had just always thought of him as straight. I could really care less if he was straight or gay, it wasn't about his sexuality. It was about the fact that this man that I had a crush on for so long was so unattainable and now...now he wasn't. I couldn't believe it.
At the apartment, S sort of mentioned in front of J and I that he was gay. He looked at me, smiled and said, "You didn't know that, did you?" and I was like, "YES! LET'S DATE!" but said, "No, but that's cool! I'm glad you're happy!" and smiled way too big. As the night wore on, I got up the courage to ask the ultimate question, "So...are you single?" He phone rang before he could answer. He picked it up and talked for a few minutes and at the end he said, "So you're just gonna go home? Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night, I love you.".....I love you. The sound of the words rang in my ears for a minute. He turned back to me and said, "No. I have a boyfriend." My heart dropped out of my butt. With the most honest smile I could muster, I said, "That's great! How long have y'all been dating?" His response? "Um...about two years now." My heart broke through the floor boards and was plummeting towards the Earth's core at this point.
My high school crush, the man I pined for for so long, not only was gay but also had a pretty serious relationship going on. Ahhh the pendulum of attainability swings so quickly. Of course, J is still the sweetest, most hilarious and interesting man I know. I suppose he was always destined to be a crush and never a relationship. I truly am glad that he's found happiness in my life. And I'll just have to settle for friendship with him because I know he'll be a great friend. It'll just take some time to keep my heart from sinking a little every time I see him with his love. And that's okay. I'm used to picking up my own pieces.
In high school, I met a guy named J. He was a friend of a friend and honestly the sweetest guy I had ever met (not to mention easy on the eyes.) We only hung out a few times but every time I had a blast. He was funny and interesting and just an all around sweet guy. J and I were not really "friends" we were more acquaintances. I mean, he was the straight guy with a pretty serious girlfriend and I was the silly gay boy with weird fashion and even weirder hair. We went to different high schools and our circles rarely crossed over BUT like I said, he was a nice guy so I never complained when he was invited. ANYWAY, so one day, being the ridiculous high school boy I was, I mentioned to a few of my girlfriends, "J is so hot, I just want to rub him all over my body." I know, it's the silliest thing I could have ever said but there it is. A few weeks later, I found out that one of those girlfriends TOLD J what I had said. I was mortified. I didn't want to face him ever again. I never objected to him being invited after he found out I said that because I didn't want to be rude. But every time I saw his face, I'd blush bright red and avoid eye contact. I was so embarrassed and I was sure he thought I was the biggest freak of them all. I mean, honestly, who says that?
So life went on and all of us went our separate ways to college. A year later, we got back together for a friend's birthday. It just so happened that this friend and J had remained friends at college and since they're birthdays are pretty close together, they threw a joint party and I was invited. Great. How can I go to this party, face J, not blush and not get so drunk that I spill everything about how I feel to him. I still had a crush on him and I was certain that he hadn't forgotten what I had said a year later. Well, the party went off without a hitch and thankfully there was someone else there that caused a bigger scene than I ever could so I just stayed in the corner, got drunk and tried not to say something silly.
Now, this seems strange but flash forward five years. The same friend of mine that celebrated her birthday with J invites a bunch of us out for drinks before she goes off to her second year in college. I walked in and who do I see sitting next to her? J....of course. I nearly turned on my heels and ran out of there. All of my embarrassed feeling came flooding back. I was certain he remembered what I said and even more certain that he thought I was the strangest person alive for saying it, not to mention uncomfortable. Rarely do you come across a straight guy in Texas that is okay with being hit on by a gay guy like that. But I stayed because it was important to my friend going to law school. Everyone was talking and drinking and J was sitting on the other end of the table from me. I glanced over and noticed that he was wearing the same shirt I had only in a different color so in attempt to make polite small talk, I mentioned it to him. We slowly started talking and I noticed a certain....flair about him. I texted my roommate S, who actually went to high school with all of these people, "Do you think J is gay? Find out and tell me." So she goes out for a cigarette and takes J with her. By the time they get back, everyone was kind of ready to leave. I invited everyone over to my apartment to hang out and catch up but most people had other things they needed to do. J and one other person were the only two that were cool with coming over. So, we went to my apartment.
In the car, I pressed S for information. Come to find out, J IS GAY! My mind exploded. This straight guy I had a crush on for so long turns out to be gay. I wanted to cry. It was incredible news but also mind blowing because I had just always thought of him as straight. I could really care less if he was straight or gay, it wasn't about his sexuality. It was about the fact that this man that I had a crush on for so long was so unattainable and now...now he wasn't. I couldn't believe it.
At the apartment, S sort of mentioned in front of J and I that he was gay. He looked at me, smiled and said, "You didn't know that, did you?" and I was like, "YES! LET'S DATE!" but said, "No, but that's cool! I'm glad you're happy!" and smiled way too big. As the night wore on, I got up the courage to ask the ultimate question, "So...are you single?" He phone rang before he could answer. He picked it up and talked for a few minutes and at the end he said, "So you're just gonna go home? Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night, I love you.".....I love you. The sound of the words rang in my ears for a minute. He turned back to me and said, "No. I have a boyfriend." My heart dropped out of my butt. With the most honest smile I could muster, I said, "That's great! How long have y'all been dating?" His response? "Um...about two years now." My heart broke through the floor boards and was plummeting towards the Earth's core at this point.
My high school crush, the man I pined for for so long, not only was gay but also had a pretty serious relationship going on. Ahhh the pendulum of attainability swings so quickly. Of course, J is still the sweetest, most hilarious and interesting man I know. I suppose he was always destined to be a crush and never a relationship. I truly am glad that he's found happiness in my life. And I'll just have to settle for friendship with him because I know he'll be a great friend. It'll just take some time to keep my heart from sinking a little every time I see him with his love. And that's okay. I'm used to picking up my own pieces.
August 10, 2011
Maybe
Maybe I should just move. May e I should just sell all the stuff I can't carry and just move. Out of the city. Out of the state. And just go as far away from here as I can get and start everything over. I could change my name, my hair, my job, the clothes I wear. Maybe I could become a completely different person and just leave this K behind. Its not that I don't love this K. I do, I mean I've been working on him for 23 years. But I can't help but wonder how unbelieveably refreshing it would be to just start everything over with no preconceptions, no judgements and nothing tying me to whom I am here. I don't know. Can I just leave my entire life behind? I might have to if I really want to find out who I am and live the life that will make me happy. Will I ever be happy? Who knows? Maybe...
August 8, 2011
I am who I am.
I am a bitchy gay man. I am! I know how conive and scheme to get my way. I can cut you down with just a glance. I've been perfecting my doublespeak ever since I was old enough to form sentences. I am a bitchy gay man and if you think that just because you come around me with your beer and sports, I'm gonna go fucking mountain biking with you. I don't want to discuss how you think you know how to play the game but you actually have no idea. I don't like your judgements about how much I smoke and if you make that fucking face at me one more time, I'll rip it the fuck off.
I am a bitchy gay man and your hair is stupid.
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