Daydreams are more like Nightmares

Before I begin, I must say: I am a terrible blogger. I haven't updated in WEEKS. Mainly because it's been a busy life and a lot of things happened very quickly. I got 2 new jobs (youtube and ChaCha) and I'm moving in with S. Expect more entries about her in the coming months.

But this blog is not about why I'm terrible at blogging (as interesting as that would be.) It's about how my daydreams usually turn into nightmares. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't suddenly jolt out of my daydreams screaming and dripping with sweat. No, but I do often daydream about terrible, terrible events.

For instance, recently during a road trip with S, we pulled over for gas as can be expected. And as she was pumping gas and I was walking inside to use the restroom, I got this image in my head of the gas pump some how spontaneously exploding in a fiery terror, consuming S completely. I saw myself feel the blast, duck out of instinct but also turn around as if in slow motion. And when I saw S consumed in flames, screaming for her life and in tremendous pain, I imagined myself falling to the ground with my mouth gaping open, yelling at the top of my lungs as well. I was in complete shock. What else could I do?........This image disturbed me so much that I stopped dead in my tracks and take just the quickest glance back to make sure that she was still alive and fire-less.

And this happens all the time. I imagine myself diving into a pool, striking my head on the bottom and never surfacing again. I see all of my friends in chic black outfits, standing over me at my funeral.

I imagine my mother perishing in terrible car accidents caused by my brothers' reckless driving.

I see my cat getting into the medicine cabinet and accidentally overdosing on Advil.

Does anyone else see how disturbing this is? I shouldn't have thoughts like this; constantly paranoid of death or dying. Sure, I'll go on the occasional Wikipedia-spiral about various famous massacres or terrorist attacks (Columbine, Oklahoma City Bombing, Waco Siege, etc.) But why do I imagine these terrible things happening to the people I love? Am I that desperate for drama in my life? Do I require tragedy to make my life feel interesting?



Nah...I think I just need to stay away from Wikipedia for a while...

-K