All by myself

Sometimes I just need to do things on my own. 

Sometimes I just need to stand on my own two feet and suffer. 

Sometimes I just need to stare into the sky and be.

It's really hard for me to do things on my own. There's just something dependent about my personality. I require people in my life and lots of them. There were times in college that I couldn't even eat by myself. I just need a face to look at. I don't mean to say that I am completely incapable of doing anything by myself. I mean, I can still shit and sleep and masturbate and breathe by myself. I am capable of those things. But there are somethings I find just completely impossible for me to do if I don't have someone there to experience it with me. I recognize that I am 23 years old and I should be able to and probably really want to do a lot of things on my own. I should want to be able to pay my own rent and pay my own cell phone bill and get myself to work on my own and make my own dinner. But I don't. I hate all of those things. I want the world to be handed to me. I don't want to work for anything. Just ONCE, I want things to be easy.

I know this sounds like I'm a whiny 3 year old and not a (sort of) mature 23 year old but I feel like I've been fighting my entire life. In elementary school, I fought to understand why I wanted to be friends with the girls and not the boys. In junior high, I fought to make friends and understand my hormones. In high school, I fought with coming out of the closet. In college, I fought to make good grades and still maintain some sort of social life sanity. And now....now I don't even know what I'm fighting any more. I just feel like I'm constantly at war with something, someone, or myself. Is this work? Is this what it means to earn what comes to me? I have no idea.

I feel leaderless. In a lot of ways, I'm a natural leader. I can direct a troop of 16 girls to do whatever I want but when it comes to leading myself, I'm at a loss. I just want someone to tell me what to do. I'll do it. I'll put the work in. I just don't want to have to figure it out on my own. I feel like my inner self is akin to Swiss cheese. I'm missing so many crucial things, it's hard for me to be happy. I am leaderless. I am missing that ever desired cheerleader in my life. I suppose that's what it really comes down to: support. I don't need a leader, I need a support system. I need someone there telling me that I'm doing great and I just need to push through. I need someone to look me in the face and tell me that I'm just as good and just as capable as everyone else in this world to go after my dreams and get things done. I'm not talking about love. I have plenty of love in my life. My parents love me unconditionally. My brother's will always be there to calm me down and will defend me until the end. And there's my nephew, who thinks I'm a super hero and personal toy to play with (and on) for hours. I adore my best friend and stand in awe of the love she has for me. No, my cup overflows with love. I'm talking about support. Maybe it seems odd but I just feel like I've never really had someone look at what I've done and said, "You know, this is incredibly amazing." And what makes it all the worse, what makes it nearly impossible to bear, is even if someone told me that, I don't think I'd believe them. I don't think I could. After 23 years of trying to be my own support system and slowly taking hits to my self esteem, self worth, and self image, I don't think that hearing it now will make one bit of a difference.

That's the real reason why I've never published anything. That's why I'm constantly putting off finding an agent and getting my stuff into publishing houses to really achieve my dream. I don't think I could take it if I'm told that I'm not a writer. I've changed my life's plan so many times and been pushed back to square one every time. I don't think I could mentally hold myself together after a blow like that.







And now, I must apologize. To you, dear readers of my blog, I'm sorry that I went on like that. I'm sorry I whined for a good four paragraphs. I'm sorry that you had to read it (or chose to, rather.) I'm sorry. I find that if I don't put my feelings somewhere where I might find a connection to another person, they become constipated and I feel like I'm going to explode. Words spew out of me. Anyone that knows me in person knows that I talk incessantly (partly to express every thought and partly to fill as many awkward silences as possible.) But for now, to keep my mouth shut and my mind flowing, I put my feelings here for you to read and experience and feel. I'm sorry.