Am I a Bitch?

I've been called a lot of names in my life: fag, queen, pussy, baby, fragile, asshole, jackass, and, of course, bitch. The only one I ever thought had a ring of truth to it was bitch. I can be a bitch. I was the Gretchen Weiners of my high school and yes, my best friend was the Regina George. In high school I quickly learned how to manipulate and intimidate people to get what I wanted. I abused peoples trust, lied, gossiped, anything I could do to make sure that I was treated like royalty and everyone else was miserable. I was a perfect angel for adults that kept a close eye on me but a tyrant to my classmates. Yes, back then, I was a bitch.
But when I went to college, I changed and reinvented myself. I'm not sure if it was because I had matured when I stepped onto my college campus or because I had finally gotten away from the poisonous influence that was Sarah (my Regina.) I became a new person; I was nicer to people, forgiving, sincere and loyal. I made new friends and learned all over again what it meant to be a true friend to someone. I wasn't a bitch, I was brutally honest. There's a fine difference, trust me. A bitch says something mean while making it sound sweet. Brutally honest people say mean things because they need to be said.
But now I'm no longer in college and while I don't think that I've reverted to my high school ways, I can't help but wonder if my bitchiness ever went away or just redirected itself to another group.
I never dated in college. I was too busy going to class and getting drunk. I didn't have time for boys. But maybe if I had taken the time for them, I would have noticed this pattern before. I started hooking up on a regular basis when I moved back home with my parents and now I am the king of one night stands. I've hooked up with more guys than I care to count and most of whom I don't even know their names. I'm pretty sure there have been a few guys who's faces I never even saw. Don't get me wrong, anonymous hook ups can be fun and exciting and, I have to admit, make me feel pretty cool. But they're also dangerous and usually creepy or crazy or both.
And now, like most people, I've grown tired of faceless, nameless fucks and have started looking for something real. Someone I can bring home to my parents. Someone that's in it for the long haul. There's just one tiny little kink: I'm a bitch (or at least I used to be.) I'll find a really nice guy that treats me well and is hot as hell, go on one or two dates with him, find something I don't like about him and then just completely ignore him. Like cut off all communication with him, defriend him on Facebook, block him on Skype, unfollow him on twitter, all that fun jazz. (What can I say? I'm a product of the 21st Century.) I've become that guy that never calls you back and leaves you wondering why I won't return your phone calls or texts and when we see each other at Kroger, I turn and walk away. (I can always buy trash bags later but not when you corner me in the paper plate aisle.)
I don't understand why I can't just tell him that its not working out and I think we should see other people. I guess I'm just tired of having that conversation. I'm tired of being convinced that people can change and that it'll get better if I just give it time. If you rub me the wrong way, its over. Just take me ignoring you as a sign that we're through and move on. But does that make me a bitch? Or just sure of what I want?

Maybe I'm a bitch because its my only defense mechanism that's proven to work. Maybe I'm a bitch because I know what I want and I'm not concerned about other people or their feelings when it comes to me getting it. But people being too sensitive about their feelings is another story for another time. Yes, I may be a bitch. But honestly, I think I need to be a bitch when it comes to love. I refuse to let heartbreak jade me. And the way I figure it, you can't get your heartbroken if you don't give it to anyone to break. I'm happy being a bitch. Maybe everyone else needs to get over their stigma of bitches and realize that we're doing what we can to survive. Bitches.