Buildings of hope and hate

I couldn't focus on my book this morning. I didn't know if it was the music I was listening to or the complicated prose of John Knowles but for whatever reason, my mind was somewhere else. I resolved to staring out the window, and as we approached downtown, I was struck by the symmetry of it all. All of the buildings seemed to be exactly the same size and laid in a perfect, quiet grid. Each of the tiny windows appeared to be the same size and filled with the same 5'6" people. Everything was the same in every possible way. I also couldn't decide if the sight of all of these buildings was incredibly sad or full of beautiful hope. Am I ever meant to work in offices like those? Or will I be in part time jobs for the rest of my life? At 23 I'm in an interesting position. I'm experienced enough to land a job as a receptionist or maybe even a project manager with a little experience. But I don't have a degree, preventing me from jobs such as...well, pretty much anything. And as much as I hate my job at the restaurant, I'm not really ready to go back to school. For some reason, I'm jaded and still resent school for something it never did.

I feel like I dwell on these buildings a lot. On what they represent to me, to others. How they affect my everyday of my life. But in reality, they're just buildings. Just places for people to conduct business. Steel, glass and nothing else. But I suppose in the Earth that I've concocted in my head, these places hold more than men, women and paper. They hold my hopes, my promise, my potential. Some days I revere them for that and others I despise them.

It's an interesting dynamic, if you think about it, despising a building. Despising anything inanimate, really, is quite strange. But I suppose the truth of the situation is that when you despise something that isn't alive, you're really despising yourself and the things you have done that you associate with those things.

I tell everyone that I don't regret my decision to leave school in the slightest. The truth is, I hate the decision most days. No doubt it was the right one to make but that doesn't mean I have to like it. And as easy as it is to say "Just go back then. Reverse the whole situation," it's ten times harder to actually do it. There are just too many unanswered questions and then there's the shame of admitting defeat. I thought I could do this: leave school and really make something of myself. Going back now would be admiring that I've been wrong all this time. I suppose I'm too proud for that.