I'll just be mad

This blog post is useless. I'm not saying anything interesting or new. No, what I really want to talk about is how angry I am. I'm just so mad all the time. I'm mad that I can't afford to go back to school. I'm mad that decisions in my life are made for me. I'm mad that I allow others to be selfish to the detriment of my happiness. I'm mad that I can't talk about what I want. I'm mad that I can't live the way I want. I'm mad that the guy I want to date just wants to be alone. I'm mad that as much as I tell myself I'm a writer, I still feel like I'm not. I'm mad that I'm poor. I'm mad that I feel like I'm fighting all the time. I feel like my life is a constant battle against something or someone. I'm mad that "I'm sorry" doesn't have meaning any more. I'm mad that "I love you" doesn't either. I'm mad that it feels like I never get what I want and things never go the way I want them to. I'm mad that I have to compromise. I'm mad that at 23 I can't focus on myself even a little bit. I feel like I'm always considering others when I make life decisions and I'm mad that it feels like I'm the only one doing that. I'm mad that I'm mad. I'm mad that as I write this, I can just FEEL the comments building up. "Let's talk about this. I don't want you to be mad. What's wrong? Here are 100 excuses for why you shouldn't feel the way you do." Fuck you. I'm mad and I have a right to be!
It's the most frustrating thing in the world because of how I have to censor myself because of other people. THAT makes me mad. I'm mad that 44 states have yet to legalize gay marriage. I'm mad that I want to get married. I'm mad that this blog post started out about something else and morphed into a post about anger and loathing. I'm mad about wrinkled clothes. I'm mad about dirty dishes. I'm mad about rotten food. I'm mad about high pitched voices. I'm mad at tobacco companies. I'm mad about drinking water. I'm mad about baby talk. I'm mad that I can't let things go and let little things drive me up the wall. I'm mad that I'm so unwilling to compromise. I'm mad that I'm self-centered. I'm mad that I'm vain. I'm mad that I'm apathetic. The phrase "Look on the bright side..." makes me mad. It makes me mad that funerals are being protested. Of all things in the world to protest, you choose funerals? Really? I don't think you could sink any lower. I'm mad that I feel alone in the world on most days. I feel like I'm in high school again with no one to talk to about the problems I'm experiencing in my life.

I wanted this blog to be about happiness and pleasant experiences.  I'm just so angry. And it makes me MORE angry that society acts like it's not okay to be mad. I just want to be mad and not have someone try to fix me or make me feel "better." I feel mad. Let me do that. Let me feel mad and don't try to fix it. You have two choices here: sit down and tell me all the things you're mad about or get the fuck out. Seriously. If you're not in the mood to be mad with me, then just stay the fuck away from me because this anger needs company. I suppose I know the real reason why I'm so angry. I need a gay friend. I felt EXACTLY the same way in high school when all of my friends were straight. Back then, I chalked it up to teen angst. Now that I'm in my twenties, living in my hometown again, with all straight friends and have gone through these feelings before, I understand that I'm mad because I don't have someone that I can just go to lunch with and talk about gay things. Much like men need man friends and women need girl friends, gays need gay friends. And I think this is completely reasonable. I suppose for now, though, I'll just be mad.