My High School Crush

Well, it's about time I blogged about this and I'm PRAYING that he never reads this but here goes...


In high school, I met a guy named J. He was a friend of a friend and honestly the sweetest guy I had ever met (not to mention easy on the eyes.) We only hung out a few times but every time I had a blast. He was funny and interesting and just an all around sweet guy. J and I were not really "friends" we were more acquaintances. I mean, he was the straight guy with a pretty serious girlfriend and I was the silly gay boy with weird fashion and even weirder hair. We went to different high schools and our circles rarely crossed over BUT like I said, he was a nice guy so I never complained when he was invited. ANYWAY, so one day, being the ridiculous high school boy I was, I mentioned to a few of my girlfriends, "J is so hot, I just want to rub him all over my body." I know, it's the silliest thing I could have ever said but there it is. A few weeks later, I found out that one of those girlfriends TOLD J what I had said. I was mortified. I didn't want to face him ever again. I never objected to him being invited after he found out I said that because I didn't want to be rude. But every time I saw his face, I'd blush bright red and avoid eye contact. I was so embarrassed and I was sure he thought I was the biggest freak of them all. I mean, honestly, who says that?

So life went on and all of us went our separate ways to college. A year later, we got back together for a friend's birthday. It just so happened that this friend and J had remained friends at college and since they're birthdays are pretty close together, they threw a joint party and I was invited.  Great. How can I go to this party, face J, not blush and not get so drunk that I spill everything about how I feel to him. I still had a crush on him and I was certain that he hadn't forgotten what I had said a year later. Well, the party went off without a hitch and thankfully there was someone else there that caused a bigger scene than I ever could so I just stayed in the corner, got drunk and tried not to say something silly.

Now, this seems strange but flash forward five years. The same friend of mine that celebrated her birthday with J invites a bunch of us out for drinks before she goes off to her second year in college. I walked in and who do I see sitting next to her? J....of course. I nearly turned on my heels and ran out of there. All of my embarrassed feeling came flooding back. I was certain he remembered what I said and even more certain that he thought I was the strangest person alive for saying it, not to mention uncomfortable. Rarely do you come across a straight guy in Texas that is okay with being hit on by a gay guy like that. But I stayed because it was important to my friend going to law school. Everyone was talking and drinking and J was sitting on the other end of the table from me. I glanced over and noticed that he was wearing the same shirt I had only in a different color so in attempt to make polite small talk, I mentioned it to him. We slowly started talking and I noticed a certain....flair about him. I texted my roommate S, who actually went to high school with all of these people, "Do you think J is gay? Find out and tell me." So she goes out for a cigarette and takes J with her. By the time they get back, everyone was kind of ready to leave. I invited everyone over to my apartment to hang out and catch up but most people had other things they needed to do. J and one other person were the only two that were cool with coming over. So, we went to my apartment.

In the car, I pressed S for information. Come to find out, J IS GAY! My mind exploded. This straight guy I had a crush on for so long turns out to be gay. I wanted to cry. It was incredible news but also mind blowing because I had just always thought of him as straight. I could really care less if he was straight or gay, it wasn't about his sexuality. It was about the fact that this man that I had a crush on for so long was so unattainable and now...now he wasn't. I couldn't believe it.

At the apartment, S sort of mentioned in front of J and I that he was gay. He looked at me, smiled and said, "You didn't know that, did you?" and I was like, "YES! LET'S DATE!" but said, "No, but that's cool! I'm glad you're happy!" and smiled way too big. As the night wore on, I got up the courage to ask the ultimate question, "So...are you single?" He phone rang before he could answer. He picked it up and talked for a few minutes and at the end he said, "So you're just gonna go home? Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night, I love you.".....I love you. The sound of the words rang in my ears for a minute. He turned back to me and said, "No. I have a boyfriend." My heart dropped out of my butt. With the most honest smile I could muster, I said, "That's great! How long have y'all been dating?" His response? "Um...about two years now." My heart broke through the floor boards and was plummeting towards the Earth's core at this point.

My high school crush, the man I pined for for so long, not only was gay but also had a pretty serious relationship going on. Ahhh the pendulum of attainability swings so quickly. Of course, J is still the sweetest, most hilarious and interesting man I know. I suppose he was always destined to be a crush and never a relationship. I truly am glad that he's found happiness in my life. And I'll just have to settle for friendship with him because I know he'll be a great friend. It'll just take some time to keep my heart from sinking a little every time I see him with his love. And that's okay. I'm used to picking up my own pieces.