Marriage

You know, I think I told myself a long time ago that I would never get married. At first it was because I couldn't get married in a church. I thought I needed faith to enter into the ceremony. But as I grew older and lost what little faith I had in God, I decided that getting married in a church wasn't so important to me. But I still didn't want to get married. I couldn't tell you why, I just never thought that it would happen for me and I was okay with just a boyfriend for the rest of my life. But now....now I think I'd feel guilty if I got married.

I mean, if I'm going to get married, I'm going to want my family there. And the only way to make sure that they'd all come, it'd have to be in Texas. Plus, there's just something about getting married in the state I've lived in my entire life. But let's be honest, Texas will surely be one of the last states to legalize gay marriages, if it does it at all. And I'm just not keen on moving to a state just so that I can get married. I feel like I'm cheating the system and I don't want my marriage to begin with me cheating the system.

And then there's my platform. I have this conviction against getting married while there are still states that will not legalize it. I feel like I shouldn't get married until everyone can get married. I know it sounds silly but why is it fair for me to be happy while "my people" feel oppressed and their lifestyles are considered illegal? I know that I probably won't see all 50 states legalize gay marriage in my lifetime (considering it's only legal in 6 states and DC and I'm 23. [Technically California does not allow it but it's awaiting appeal.]) It just, I dunno. It's my tiny protest. I know it doesn't make sense because I'm giving them what they want but I don't know what else to do from my tiny apartment in Houston.

But I dunno. I think about getting married a lot. Especially recently because a lot of my friends are getting engaged. I think if I'm completely honest with myself, I would say that I've been thinking about what my wedding would look like since I was about 13. I've always pictured it in a church. Not because of religion, I just really like the image of the inside of a church. I imagined clean lines with the flower arrangements with either greens or pale purples but not both. I know the song I want to walk down the aisle to (and yes I will be walking down the aisle.) If my fiance also wants to walk down, that's fine. If he wants to walk down with me, that's fine too. But I will be walking down the aisle regardless. I want to write my own vows and I want a friend to officiate. In my fantasy, it's the friend that set us up because I think that'd be a nice sentiment. I'd have a new suit, my father's cologne, cufflinks from my brother and blue socks. S will be by my side as my maid of honor and any of my brothers that want to be there with me will be welcome. I'd want me and my fiance to wear the same suit and all the men wearing the same suit but I'd want it different than what my fiance and I were wearing. The girls could all wear whatever dress they wanted as long as it matched the flowers.

The reception would be classic. In the evening with chicken and beef served. My cake would be lemon with buttercream frosting. I've picked the song I want to dance with my mother to and the song I want to dance with S to. I know exactly what I want my engagement and wedding pictures to look like. I have an idea of what the invitations would be like.....Needless to say, I've thought about it a lot. But that's kind of the sad part about this blog isn't it? I've spent so much of my life imagining my wedding but it might not happen. In all honesty, it'll probably never happen. And I don't know what I would say if I guy got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of his life with him...I don't know. I'd be torn. Am I crazy?