So close

It's hard for me to blog tonight...

Tonight I feel alone, used, unattractive (and sexy in a tragic way....if that makes sense.) I feel let down, rejected, disappointed and not unlike a whore.


There's this boy, let's call him R. And he lives what I would consider downtown. Which is a trek from me but not terrible (maybe half an hour) and I've been talking to him for a few days. At first it was mostly about sex. We knew right away that there was a physical attraction. And then I got to thinking that maybe this is a person that I should give a shot at a relationship with. So I tried to start conversations about other things: his interests, my interests, various things about ourselves to try to get to know him. And he seemed receptive to a point, but the conversation almost always came back to sex. And while I know that I went about this all wrong and should have put off the sex subject until I got to know this guy, I still can't help but feel a little used when I suddenly get the feeling that all he ever wanted out of me was sex.

I wish I could start over and get to know this guy before we talked about sex and let this develop normally. And now that I type that out, I can't help but thing "What is normal anyway? Has anything about me ever been normal? No. I've always done things differently and have always felt 100% different from everyone else my entire life so why should I start now?"

In any case, I have a "date" with this guy tomorrow and I'm certain we'll make awkward small talk until we have sex and I'm certain that after that, I'll slowly phase him out and just stop responding to his texts and phone calls like I do every other man that comes into my life because I am a whore. I meet someone, have sex with them in the first 24 hours of meeting them and then feel used when they don't want a relationship.

Let the vicious unhealthy cycle begin.

-K