Partime Bar, Partime Coffee Shop

Working in a combo bar/coffee shop is....interesting to say the least. Most people are confused by us. "So you're a coffee shop..." they start, their voices trailing off in confusion. "That also sells beer, wine and liquor. Yup." I usually finish the thought for them.

Since I've had experience serving coffee before, I'm saddled with the delightful shifts of opening every Saturday and Sunday morning. Even though the hours are early and they usually keep me from going out with my friends who have "normal" jobs, I actually really love the job. I'm not sure if it's the relaxed dress code of "Oh...I don't know. Some pants and a dark shirt." or the spunky girl that I work with. And apparently I'm the only person that can work with her. I think it's because we're the only two "morning people" that work there. But this entry is less about the awesomeness of my coworker and more about the psycho's that come in to see us.

Like any restaurant/cafe/bar/coffee shop/hipster hangout, we have our regulars. I often wonder if these people have real jobs or if they just sit around and grow organic vegetables and wonder why more people don't wear more burlap. "Once you get past the itchyness, it's really not that bad." I seriously heard that a month ago. All of our regulars can be categorized into three categories: 1) Old hippies that think they're cool because they came to use our free WiFi 2) Hipsters that want to complain about the music we play and won't order anything but will surely smoke pot behind the building and play the vintage Mrs. Pacman machine we have in the corner and 3) Crunchy vegans that will buy all of our vegan pastries and talk about being vegan all the time. What's one thing they all have in common? What could possibly bring this hodge podge of people together? They all LOVE to be overly specific with their drink orders. Here's a sampling of the orders I get twice a week, every week, without fail...

"I want a frosted pint glass, filled with ice and hot coffee poured over it." (By the way, we have iced coffee that's already cold...I'm just saying.)
"I want a coffee with 3/4 of a pump of chocolate."
"Small coffee to go and a small coffee in a RED mug." (We have about 6 different colors...they're all the same size and shape.)
"Large coffee with four pumps of hazelnut, two vanilla, three sugar free vanilla and 1/2 pump of almond."
"Americano with about 2 oz of water."
"Will you just steam some soy milk?" (This one's not weird unless you see the girl. She doesn't drink it, she spends the morning smelling it. I can't make this up.)
"One part coffee, one part Bailey's, three parts Whiskey." (I'm still not sure how we get around serving liquor at 8 AM.)
"Half dark roast, half light roast, simple syrup and pass me the soy milk. You never put enough in."

These people, they're nuts. I firmly believe that they think the more complicated their drink order is, the more sophisticated they are when in fact, it's only bringing them closer to death because I seriously want to jab their eyes out.

But my ALL TIME favorite orders are ones that don't involve coffee at all. Before I get into this, I need to give you a little insight. I don't drink beer. I will if I have to but generally I'll avoid it when I can. The girl I work with is "allergic" to alcohol so she doesn't drink ever. I can tell you what any alcohol tastes like and can even make most cocktails but if you have a beer question...well, it's better if I show you.

Customer: What kind of pale ales do you have?
Me: *blank stare*
C: *Expectant look*
Me: Um....I think Dos Equis is a pale ale....This...this one says pale ale. Do you want this one?
C: Um. No. What else do you have?
Me: Dos.....Equis?? Is...is that a pale ale?
C: Can I just have the Bass on draft?
Me: Surrreee...*walks over to the tap wall and stares at it blankly*

Clearly I have no business working in a bar. Coffee shop? Sure. Me working in a bar is the equivalence of me owning a sports team. I have no idea what I'm doing and would rather make the cheerleaders drag queens, change the mascot to an Abercombie & Fitch model and change the colors to something that complimented my eyes. As I end this blog post, I'll leave you with two more situations: another overly complicated drink and a time when someone asked me about beer. Keep in mind, we open at 7:00 AM.

Time: 7:05 AM
Me: Good morning, good morning! How we doing today? (typical greeting from me.)
Customer: Nothing's good. It's not morning. I'm still asleep.
Me: Um...okay. Maybe you should go home and go back to bed.
C: Are you kicking me out?
Me: No! Of course not! I'm just saying, if you're sleep walking, maybe you should go back to bed.
C: That's just an expression. No one is ever awake until after coffee.
Me: Oh. I didn't know that.
C: *looking around for the girl I work with who's smoking out back* Can I get someone else to make me coffee? This kid's an idiot.
Me: Sorry, just me today. What can I get you?
C: Cubano Americano. Large. For here. Three Splenda's and a splash of soy.
Me: Alright...
*the girl I work with walks in as I'm pulling the espresso shots*
C: YOU LIED! *storms out*
Girl: What did you lie about?
Me: Existing.

Time: 9:18 AM
Customer: What Belgian beers do you have?
Me: *turns and faces the refrigerator for about 3 minutes. Pulls a random beer out.* Thinking "This one came off the shelf that says Belgium." Is this what you want?
C: Shiner Ruby Red? N-no....I want a Belgian beer.
Me: *blank stare* Soooooo.....not....this......one?
C: I'll have a coke.