I know, it's ASTOUNDING that in the southern coast of Texas, I can't find a quality man to date. Let me tell you. But the truth of the matter is every guy I find has something that I'm just illequipped to handle. So like every other gay man in Texas, I fall in love with fictional men...here is my list.
1) Heathcliff - Wuthering Heights
He's dark, he's brooding, he's almost always depicted with long curly locks. AND he fucking fought for Catherine like a boss. That bitch didn't know what she had. In the world of Wuthering Heights, Heathcliff's only mistake was falling in love with Catherine. And really, who could blame him for falling in love? His life was ruled by his love for her. He did everything for her.
2) Jim Halpert - The Office
There's not a woman or gay man I know that watches this show and hasn't uttered at one time or another, "I have a TV crush on Jim and I live vicariously though Pam." And if they haven't, they will now. Jim is almost too perfect. He's hilarious, adorable, sweet...not too mention he's totally willing to settle down and provide for the woman (or in my fantasy, man) that he loves.
3) William Hayes - Definitely, Maybe
Let's all just take a moment and imagine Ryan Reynolds naked....delicious. And as if that isn't enough of a reason to date him right there, Will is probably the sweetest guy ever created. He found that girl's book that her father gave to her!!! He kept it for a few years but the point is, he eventually gave it to her. He's passionate about politics. I know jack shit about politics but I love a man who has passion in his life. And honestly, who can't love a man that tells a story like the one told in Definitely, Maybe?
4) Adam - Beauty and the Beast
Betcha didn't know Beast had a name did you? Well his name is Adam...allegedly. There's still some controversy about that. And I know he is a cartoon but still. All he wanted and needed in life was true love. I can't think of anything more endearing than that. Also, he's a hot prince...helllooooooo?!
5) Bobby Drake - X-Men
If you've ever laid a hand on my arm, touched anything after I have or sat next to me on a couch, bus or plane, you know that lava runs through my veins. I'm a good 2 or 3 degrees warmer than anyone at any given time. (Trust me, it may not sound like much but it is.) So because of that fact, Bobby's power to create and manipulate ice/water is appealing. Ever since I saw him kiss Rogue and her breath was frosty afterwards, I've been lusting after him. He's also a rare eternally good person. He honestly wants to save the world but doesn't want to be showered with praise because of it.
6) Spencer Reid - Criminal Minds
I love the fact that he doesn't understand how adorable he is. I find his fact ramblings fascinating and the limits (or lack there of) of his knowledge amazing. He's sensitive but willing to do what he needs to ensure goodness prevails.
7) Legolas - The Lord of the Rings
There are many reasons to date Legolas: fierce warrior, cunning and light on his feet not to mention, he's an elf. (If you're unfamiliar with the world of Tolkien, elves are among the most beautiful creatures in the world.) He's also compassionate and level headed. He's loyal and smart and fights for the greater good.
8) Jack McPhee - Dawson's Creek
Jack is wrought with emotions and issues. With his crazy ass sister, crazy ass mother, dead brother and absentee father, Jack is a whole bag of mess. So what makes him so attractive? He was there for me. When I was coming out of the closet and wasn't sure how I was going to tell my friends, much less my parents, Jack was struggling with the same issues. And while telling my parents wasn't quite the "sobbing on the stairs screaming 'No, I will not calm down and I will not be quiet!'" scene, he was there for me afterwards when I was struggling with my parents' acceptance. He taught me how to be okay with who I am and ignore what everyone else said.
9) Augusten Burroughs - Running With Scissors
Okay, so Augusten isn't fictional. BUT I kind of imagine him to be because of the impossible life he's led and because I only know him through the books he's written. Augusten is....in a word: peculiar. I often question the validity of his stories but I can help but fall in love with the way he thinks, the way he acts, the way he talks...I find him fascinating. He reminds me of a boy I knew that thought he loved me very much but it turned out to be only lust. He's neurotic and a little bit crazy and that's why I'm drawn to him.
10) Calvin -Calvin and Hobbes
Okay, before you go off on me about him being a boy, let's just remember that he doesn't even exist. Anyway, I have to say that Calvin's naivete (because he's a boy) makes him 10 times cuter than the animators drew him to be. He sees the world with honest eyes. He's an adventurer and a dreamer. I connect with Calvin on a creative level. He's who I wish I was when I was a child.
So there's my list. 10 men that I would TOTALLY date if they existed. Now to find just ONE man that comes close to ANY of these guys...
1) Heathcliff - Wuthering Heights
He's dark, he's brooding, he's almost always depicted with long curly locks. AND he fucking fought for Catherine like a boss. That bitch didn't know what she had. In the world of Wuthering Heights, Heathcliff's only mistake was falling in love with Catherine. And really, who could blame him for falling in love? His life was ruled by his love for her. He did everything for her.
2) Jim Halpert - The Office
There's not a woman or gay man I know that watches this show and hasn't uttered at one time or another, "I have a TV crush on Jim and I live vicariously though Pam." And if they haven't, they will now. Jim is almost too perfect. He's hilarious, adorable, sweet...not too mention he's totally willing to settle down and provide for the woman (or in my fantasy, man) that he loves.
3) William Hayes - Definitely, Maybe
Let's all just take a moment and imagine Ryan Reynolds naked....delicious. And as if that isn't enough of a reason to date him right there, Will is probably the sweetest guy ever created. He found that girl's book that her father gave to her!!! He kept it for a few years but the point is, he eventually gave it to her. He's passionate about politics. I know jack shit about politics but I love a man who has passion in his life. And honestly, who can't love a man that tells a story like the one told in Definitely, Maybe?
4) Adam - Beauty and the Beast
Betcha didn't know Beast had a name did you? Well his name is Adam...allegedly. There's still some controversy about that. And I know he is a cartoon but still. All he wanted and needed in life was true love. I can't think of anything more endearing than that. Also, he's a hot prince...helllooooooo?!
5) Bobby Drake - X-Men
If you've ever laid a hand on my arm, touched anything after I have or sat next to me on a couch, bus or plane, you know that lava runs through my veins. I'm a good 2 or 3 degrees warmer than anyone at any given time. (Trust me, it may not sound like much but it is.) So because of that fact, Bobby's power to create and manipulate ice/water is appealing. Ever since I saw him kiss Rogue and her breath was frosty afterwards, I've been lusting after him. He's also a rare eternally good person. He honestly wants to save the world but doesn't want to be showered with praise because of it.
6) Spencer Reid - Criminal Minds
I love the fact that he doesn't understand how adorable he is. I find his fact ramblings fascinating and the limits (or lack there of) of his knowledge amazing. He's sensitive but willing to do what he needs to ensure goodness prevails.
7) Legolas - The Lord of the Rings
There are many reasons to date Legolas: fierce warrior, cunning and light on his feet not to mention, he's an elf. (If you're unfamiliar with the world of Tolkien, elves are among the most beautiful creatures in the world.) He's also compassionate and level headed. He's loyal and smart and fights for the greater good.
8) Jack McPhee - Dawson's Creek
Jack is wrought with emotions and issues. With his crazy ass sister, crazy ass mother, dead brother and absentee father, Jack is a whole bag of mess. So what makes him so attractive? He was there for me. When I was coming out of the closet and wasn't sure how I was going to tell my friends, much less my parents, Jack was struggling with the same issues. And while telling my parents wasn't quite the "sobbing on the stairs screaming 'No, I will not calm down and I will not be quiet!'" scene, he was there for me afterwards when I was struggling with my parents' acceptance. He taught me how to be okay with who I am and ignore what everyone else said.
9) Augusten Burroughs - Running With Scissors
Okay, so Augusten isn't fictional. BUT I kind of imagine him to be because of the impossible life he's led and because I only know him through the books he's written. Augusten is....in a word: peculiar. I often question the validity of his stories but I can help but fall in love with the way he thinks, the way he acts, the way he talks...I find him fascinating. He reminds me of a boy I knew that thought he loved me very much but it turned out to be only lust. He's neurotic and a little bit crazy and that's why I'm drawn to him.
10) Calvin -Calvin and Hobbes
Okay, before you go off on me about him being a boy, let's just remember that he doesn't even exist. Anyway, I have to say that Calvin's naivete (because he's a boy) makes him 10 times cuter than the animators drew him to be. He sees the world with honest eyes. He's an adventurer and a dreamer. I connect with Calvin on a creative level. He's who I wish I was when I was a child.
So there's my list. 10 men that I would TOTALLY date if they existed. Now to find just ONE man that comes close to ANY of these guys...
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