I think that I think too much. I feel like I'm constantly in my head, having conversations with myself, playing through scenarios in hopes of preparing for all the possible outcomes. And what sucks is that sometimes, when someone asks me a question, they think I didn't hear them because I've gone off, staring into space trying to erect an answer while at the same time, try to guess what you're reaction will be.
This gets me into most trouble during funerals. I spend the whole time trying to create the most appropriate reaction for the situation that I forget that not only is no one looking for my reaction, but they don't care. And so I sometimes forget to just allow my body to react naturally and then I forget to grieve. (Grief usually catches up with me about a week later when I can do nothing but cry.)
I also find myself doing this at any important, crowded events. At weddings I'm focused on looking so happy I'm almost crying but also dapper and sophisticated. At award ceremonies, I try not to look expectant and more "just happy to be here" or "they totally deserve this award."
I know I'm not the only one who does this. We all have different masks we put on in social situations like those. Especially if our true feelings are inappropriate for the event. Which is usually my problem. At funerals, I don't feel sad typically. It's more like...reading an out of order sign. I'm not emotionally invested, I just sort of let it happen to me. I mean, I'm not a robot, I do feel some level of sadness or disappointment or regret but I'm not weeping over it. I mean, it's an out of order sign. I simply accept the experience and move on.
Weddings are a different story. Weddings are supposed to be joyous and celebratory. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the back pew, sipping out of the flask I snuck in and trying to decide if I should make a scene or not. I don't give up attention very well (Youngest Child Syndrome) so attending weddings and having the entire event all about the couple is something I haven't gotten used to yet. So I usually spend my time flip flopping between secret disapproval (I'll admit to a hint of jealousy in there. Someday I think I'd like to get married and I'm jealous that they can and I can't) and being regal and classy. This is all for the ceremony mind you. At the reception I am all about four things: drinking, dancing, hooking up and cake.
At award ceremonies I am typically seething underneath. As with the weddings, I don't enjoy attending events like that where I'm not the center of attention. If I'm not nominated, I'm not going. And if I AM nominated, I practice my "Just happy to be here" smile and gracious clap for at least two days before attending. It's not that I'm cynical, I just know two truths: 1) I win about 1 out of every 100 awards that I'm nominated for. 2) if I DO win, I want my surprise to be genuine. So I prepare to lose everytime.
I'm aware that in all of these situations, I'm completely self-centered and unapologetic for it. But I'm 23. If I've ever been allowed to be self-centered its now. I know all too well from watching WAY too much Will & Grace and Sex and the City that your 20s is the time for you to find out who you are and completely focus on that. Will I eventually be able to express sympathy for the family instead of trying to put on my best "tragically upset" face at funerals? Probably. Will I be able to attend weddings and not want to casually knock over a candle in the middle of the ceremony? Yeah, probably around the same time that I learn how to attend an award ceremony and not care who wins.
I'm 23. I think too much and I'm only concerned with myself....sometimes...for now.
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