Lexicon

So I've come to realize that I have procured a list of "code phrases" that I use when I don't really want to say. And here, I will reveal their true meanings. Since most of you don't know me in the real life (or IRL for you 733T speakers,) I find no harm in this.

If I say the word "fine" it really means "I don't want to talk about it....ever. So stop pushing it....now."

If I say the phrase "I'm over it" it really means "I'm not over it."

If I say the phrase "I have a headache" it really means "I'm pretty upset."

If I say the phrase "I'm tired" it really means "I'm mad at you."

If I say the phrase "I think I just want to stay home" it really means "I need to cry by myself."

If I say the phrase "I wanna feed the ducks" it really means "I wanna do something illegal."

If I say the phrase "Love you too!" (as opposed to "I love you too!") it really means "I like you only okay."

Sure, most of them are passive aggressive but I grew up Catholic and it's kind of bred into me. Most of the time I use these ploys in order to not only protect myself but to prevent others from really pressing me into talking about something that I really don't want to talk about. Sometimes, emotions just need to be slept on. And sometimes, I just need to get over myself.

A lot of the times, I feel the need to use these phrases because I feel all too aware of people's needs to be focused on, to have attention on them. And while I do like to have attention on me too, when it comes to true emotions, I tend to hide them and just go with the flow. I see myself forgiving quickly and repeating the phrase "I'll get over it eventually" or "it's really not a big deal." When in fact, it's probably just the opposite. I just feel like even when I do try to express how I REALLY feel with someone, they find a way to bring it back to them and how THEY feel. (Which I find kinda rude, just sayin.)

And I also have a hard time believing people when they say "I know how that feels." Because honestly? When I tell you "The reason I'm so pissed right now is because he kept calling me a faggot." and you say, "I know. I get that." Do you?! Do you really "get" how that feels? How second-citizen that makes me feel? Do you understand how that word cuts down into me like nothing ever before or since? Because I don't think that you, a heterosexual person, living in REPUBLICAN TEXAS, gets how that feels.

I often feel alone in my emotions. Like no one else could possibly understand how I feel exactly. They may come close, but not exactly. And so I created these phrases to protect myself from pressing questions and to protect others from me (as strangely as that sounds.) And there are actually a lot of other hidden, secret phrases that I use all too often but I feel that if I reveal all of my tricks, I'll no longer be a mystery to you people. And all of the magic will have escaped. So I'll leave you with just one more for you to figure out on your own...

I cheated.

-K